I Crush You Flo

Ok, I admit it – I have a crush on the Progressive Insurance lady Flo. This is not easy to admit when you are a married man, but admit it I must. Wifey already suspects something is going on because of my incessant request for a Flo Bobblehead doll




and I turn up the volume on the TV whenever her commercials come on. I especially like the commercials when she is riding Harleys. Man, she can ride with me anytime. She would have to wear the same clothes as in the commercials though, that’s part of the deal. What can I say…I am kind of kinky?




I know if my wife catches me dressing up our Chiuhuahua it will be all over but the crying, but I just can't help myself!




I even drempt that she was a vampire trying to suck my blood. Holy Anne Rice, that was a scary dream. I'm thinking it would almost be worth it as long as she made me one of them and I could hang out with her forever.




I remember when Flo pulled the plug on Flo-bot. I was just wondering if the broken robot was for sale or something. You know, it would be great to have as a memento or something. Not like a London Love Doll, but something?




I did find a picture of Flo out of uniform. I'm sorry, Flo, but it just isn't the same. I have a crush on the Progressive Flo, not the real Flo. Parting in such sweat sorrow....

I'm just saying,

Mittster

WHY HARLEY-DAVIDSON?

My tribute to Sturgis and Harley-Davidson

WHY HARLEY-DAVIDSON?

Native Americans call it “The Iron Pony,” a description well put. When you straddle the leather seat, there is a feeling not unlike when a cowboy mounts a bucking bronco at a rodeo. You know something awesome is about to happen, but you’re not quite sure what.

Starting a hog for the first time is part of a love affair that will last forever. When that “Twin V” engine comes to life between your legs, you will have an idea of how that bronco rider must feel.

Nothing on the planet sounds like a Harley. At an idle, it has a low chugging beat, slow and strong like a rhinoceros just before the charge. The weight and massiveness of the machine is deceptive, even a little intimidating. Your first thought is that if this bike falls, it’s all over but the crying. Oh, well, either ride it or sell it! Once you let the clutch out and start to move, magic happens. The ponderous, chrome hog becomes a graceful lady, responsive to your every touch. Each gear is a different dimension to her character. Every mile per hour faster is a study in stability.

You look at your companion riders in front, on the side and behind. A knowing smile spreads quickly. You are part of an American legend. Ride your “Iron Pony” into the sunset. A great adventure waits!

Mitt Winstead 1996

Write on,

Mittster

More Looney Tunes

Save these for Monday morning - you will need the laughs.



I remember drinking beer through a staw...OK, I don't remember - someone had to tell me the next day.






No comment!









Not necessarily in that order!






This sign is not far from the nation's capitol



This sign is also not far from the nation's capitol



This sign is not far from the next presidential debate






No need to comment



Sage advice



I'm going to use this ploy to sell books



That be me






He looks familiar - I think he used to be my proctologist




Have a great Saturday - I'm going to jump off a bridge now!

Write on,

Mittster

Fee-fi-fo-fum

“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” Holy crap, no wonder I was traumatized as a youngster. The bedtime stories read to me by Grandma would scare the devil himself. I would never sleep with my hands or feet hanging over the bed to become food for the monster living underneath. As a matter of fact – I still won’t sleep with any part of my body hanging over the bed.




What about Little Red Riding Hood? The big, nasty bad wolf eats Grandma, then gets in her clothes, jumps in bed and waits for Little Red Riding Hood to show up with a food basket so she too can become a gourmet dinner. This story surely made young girls feel warm and fuzzy.




Let’s not forget Hansel and Gretel. This little ditty has a wicked witch enticing a young girl and boy into a gingerbread house so she can pop them into a boiling pot of water for a tasty human stew. Swell, now we are into cannibalism. I know I wouldn’t eat gingerbread for many years after this story.




Oh, yes, and The Three Little Pigs come to mind. To this day I am not comfortable in any house unless it is made of brick. No way am I becoming pig meat to a gnarly wolf!




Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
Is it any wonder spiders scare the crap out of us?




Alice in Wonderland, now this is a wonderful book Mum used to read to us when we were little tykes. The only problem was that it reminded me of our house and life. All the characters Alice met resembled aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and neighbors who visited us. What a nutty family. I bet they too were read fairy tales when they were young.




Last, but not least are the ghost stories our parents used to tell us on Halloween. The one I will never forget not only scarred me emotionally, but physically too. As Mom came to the end of the very scary story, she swung her arms and hands out and down as she screamed, thus scaring the crap out of us and hitting me in the family jewels all in one fell swoop. Not hard to imagine my shriek of horror and pain. While my two brothers and sisters thought it hilarious, I found the vomiting disgusting and demeaning.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Free Book Writing Course

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you!

Since today's blog is a book-writing course, I will get on with it.

A. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time.

B. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

C. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.




D. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher.




E. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

F. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!



Evil in the Mirror

G. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.




H. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate.

I. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in…there are worse ways not to earn a living.

Write on,

Mittster