Old is Gold

I am sick and tired of old people jokes. I happen to be 69 years old and this is my best year yet. Besides, I can't go back and if I could, I would just screw up at a different level.

Here is the real deal. When you reach my age you can do pretty much as you please. I don't worry about my hair or lack of. I don't worry about looks (if you don't like what you see – don’t look. It won’t hurt either of our feelings.) I can actually gaze at young women because I have learned not to gawk and I appreciate beauty without it being dirty. You won’t find me with a woman 30 years my junior because I have too much respect for women. Besides, who wants to go out with their grandfather? Everyone would be embarrassed!




The best thing I ever did was quit drinking. Those days were filled with me thinking women adored drunk guys and wanted us to jump their bones while reeking of booze and not able to find anyone's ass with both hands. Reality dictated that the women would leave in disgust and I would wake up retching in the golden throne promising never to do it again.



Man slut

I believe there is some truth in the saying that getting older is like the aging process of fine wine. The whole process is based on how you store the bottle. It’s the same with humans – if you don’t take care of the container, what is inside turns to vinegar. That’s why some older folks you meet are sour, resentful and spiteful. They are miserable and want everyone around them to be the same. I, for one, refuse to go there. Maybe that is why I still ride Harleys and smile a lot. I want people to be happy and appreciate the things they do have instead of always wishing for the things they think they need and don’t have. Once you learn to be happy with what you have and who you are, the other things don’t seem as important anymore.




I don’t know how many years I have left on this beautiful blue planet, but I do know each and every minute will be enjoyed. For those who think old people suck…go suck an egg. I want to hang out with people who are alive, happy with their lives, love animals, and are willing to help others in times of need.




“I don’t need no stinking sourpusses!”

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Off to see the Wizard

I am headed toward Quartzsite, Arizona, to see if I can find a new brain. I am leaving my old one here for a spare just in case I can't find a suitable one there. That way, when I get back, I will at least have one, albeit old technology.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! If I am not heard from while away, it is only because someone forgot to install dependable Internet in Quartzsite and my Verizon phone has no bells or whistles. I can text, but that is it, and that is why I am looking for a new brain. Perhaps I could find one that would enable me to use a smart phone. The odds are against it, but I won’t know if I don’t go….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Regrets?

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. - W. M. Lewis

This quote was posted by my friend Leslie Menninger on Facebook recently. She is always sharing wonderful quotes daily that instill the best feelings humans can experience. This particular quote struck a chord with me that I just can’t shake. When a subject, event or happening catches my eye and won’t let go, I must write a blog about it. It’s not that I have something monumental to add or that I am able to impart some new and exciting meaning to the quote’s substance. It only means that it struck a chord in my being and I was able to hear harmony in the music.

After reading the quote, I wanted to remember when my life really started. I spent the first fifty-two years of my life living on the edge of reason and sanity. I always wanted to be like someone else who appeared to have all the things I could not acquire. I was never satisfied with any one woman for very long. The amazing part was that these women were so much further along emotionally than me. What drew them toward me I will never understand? Please know that my intentions were always honorable…at least at first.

I did not start drinking until I was twenty-six and believe me I tried to make up for all the years I missed. Drugs were a part of the culture at the time and I tried them, but they never took the place of alcohol. I don’t blame my behavior on booze and drugs. I blame my behavior on the lack of character to walk away from the very things that were causing me to run and hide from reality. I do blame myself for hurting people who loved me and then turning my back to their pain. I now feel their pain more intensely than they ever could. That is my cross to bear, even to my grave.

One fine day in 1990, I came across a book by Dr. Steven Covey called “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.” Books, and the authors who write them, can be an incredibly positive experience to those who read them. As an author, my sole intent is to have somebody read my work and be captivated and unable to put the darn thing down even long enough to use the restroom. This is how Dr. Covey’s book affected me. Someone else could try and read the book and end up using it for TP. I lived and breathed his book until it was internalized and I started living the principals the book offered. That was the first day of my life.

Some might say I wasted fifty-two years, but that is not the reality of life. The reality is that even though those years, for the most part, were unproductive and sometimes destructive, all the roads I have taken were essential to the place and time I now live in. Had I varied one iota from my path, I would not be married to the most wonderful woman in the world and enjoying the most fulfilling life any person could ask for. The lesson for me is that even though I have deep regrets, I would not change even one moment of my life if offered this very second. This is the wonderful paradox of time and the reason we must always go forward into the future.

Yes, I started my life late, but every year after 1995 has been filled with excitement and wonderment at how beautiful a sober life can be. My existence is the most exciting high I have ever experienced!

Write on,

Mittster

Insanity vs. Sanity

Have you noticed that “sane people” know everything? Whereas insane people, like me, know very little, especially as we get older. It’s easy for me to say, “The older I get, the less I know.” Why, because I believe it to be true. To the sane people, or “they” as I like to call them, my comments are insane. Actually, some people who read my gibberish blogs are a little more polite and refer to me as an emotionally unstable and sometime humorous author. To the people out there who read my murder mysteries, they find it hard to justify that such a sick, depraved person could have any sense of humor at all.

My wife loves my murder mysteries and has read them many times in her role as proofer and editor. When her mother called after trying to read my first novel “Evil in the Mirror” to warn her daughter of impending doom because she was obviously married to a homicidal maniac, my wife patiently informed her that her son-in-law just has a very active imagination. Thank God mother-in-law didn’t finish the book, let alone read the sequel. The point is that my mother-in-law is sane and because of that, she must now lay awake at nights wondering when I am going to murder her in a most foul and gruesome way! While I in no way compare myself to Stephen King, I sometimes wonder how his family copes living with him. He is not only a writer of very scary books, but he is also a scary looking guy with no sense of humor. Mother-in-law should be afraid of him, not me.

Getting back to sane people who know everything – I listen to our Washington politicians, who are mostly old senile know-it-alls, who should be in nursing homes, profess to know what is the best for just about everything under the sun. Somehow freeloading in Congress for decade after decade makes them geniuses. If that is sanity, I want no part of it. I also listen to radio talk show gurus from the left and right who somehow think being a public speaker makes them centers for world knowledge. Come to think of it, the United Nations professes to be the reservoir for universal wisdom. God help us all!

For the most part, I think all my friends on Twitter and Facebook are insane. Most don’t know it all and have a deep concern for people and all the creatures of the planet. Our beautiful blue planet means more than just a place to see how much money and power one can accumulate; it also represents our spaceship for survival. I like this kind of insanity rather than the sanity of the so-called “know it all” people. It is time for the insane to stand up and be counted. I, for one, am standing now with my right hand held high in the air showing the peace sign with two fingers for the insane of the world, and my left hand even higher in the air showing one finger to all the rest!

Write on,

Mittster

Lazy Madman Blog

For some reason I have decided to add comment to the pictures I plagiarized from Facebook and dumped on a blog because I am too lazy to think up something funny to write about. As far as I know the comments are my own unless they are not funny in which case, they too are plagiarized.





Since this picture was posted by a woman, I might as well add that I wished I could of thought of this during my divorce!




Humor sometimes leaves a bad taste in your mouth, especially if you don't cook the road kill enough.




I found this picture in extremely bad taste...the bear did not. By the way, the dweeb in front was also killed and eaten by the bear because he dropped his Blackberry and went back for it.




This is the real "Cat in the Hat." He will be buying one right away.




I don't get this one, but I don't get allot of things.




I have been trying to get people to say Fornicate Under the Consent of the King, but it has fallen on deaf ears or ear as the case may be.




I give up!



The tragedy is that I have had this happen to me more than twice!




I be the first day of Christmas....



And this is what I say if you don't like it!



No, these were not the good old days. These were the notes I was writing the girl I got pregnant in high school!




At which time I will pull out my .357 mag and rob the fools!




That's how I roll because I don't know any better!




I don't want anyone to believe this schmooze crap, that is why I saved the best for last.




Now maybe now I have managed to piss someone off!

Write on,

Mittster

King Mittster

I know most of us have given thought of what it would be like if we could be king or queen of the world for a day. Just thinking of the wrongs we could make right gives us all hope and inspiration even if it were just for a fleeting moment in time.

Well, guess what, my fellow Americans, I have taken it one step further. I am now king of the whole world for one full twenty-four hour day. You may ask how this miracle happened and the answer is simple. I proclaimed it, so let it be written – let it be done!




I know we live in a democracy and voting for a President and other noneffective political positions in our government is the usual way leaders are proclaimed. But, because of the total ineffectual, comical and idiotic way things have turned out, having me for your King for a day will be sufficient time to straighten many things out.




Let’s start with our multi-trillion dollar deficit. As of this second, we no longer have a National debt. Why? Because I am now calling in all the money owed this country from foreign countries that we rebuilt after the really, really bad guys bombed and occupied their countries during W.W.II. I am also calling in the money we spent repairing the countries that mothered the bad guys, which was the reason we had to bomb them into submission in the first place. Money received…National debt gone!



Picture of Berlin, Germany

Effectively immediately, there will be no more corruption in our Government. Anyone over the age of forty will be retired with no pension, healthcare or Social Security until they have reached the age of seventy. At which time, they will participate in the same programs with which the rest of us are strapped. Misery loves company! Why do they have to wait until they are seventy? Because that is exactly what they want us to do so they can rake in even more money for perks.




All Federal, state, and municipal governments will be privatized in a matter of minutes after this proclamation is read. How? Not one government worker will receive a paycheck until they find a civilian employer willing to hire them. Since there are no jobs, and even if there were, no one would hire them; I suggest they pack their bags and hit the road to France. I hear that country is looking for government type lackeys all the time.




As soon as possible, all military personnel will be transferred from all foreign countries and stationed along the American – Mexican border. Any and all drug smugglers caught peddling their poison will be shot and then retained in a freezer for deportation. Illegals crossing the border will be retained and then deported to France to serve all the American politicians moving there. Any and all coyotes caught smuggling illegals across the border will be tied to a mesquite tree and left in the elements for a minimum of thirty days without water or food. If their skeletons can walk after that time period is up, they may return to their own country without further harassment.




Now what about banks, lending institutions and investment companies? Everyone knows I am against capital punishment, mainly because too many innocent people have been executed by overzealous district attorneys who would have an innocent person die before admitting to being wrong. So what do we do with these greedy, corrupt, ruthless money grubbers who would steal a widow’s last dime to live the lavish lifestyle which they have become accustomed?




The answer is simple; we let the Wall Streeters fight it out with the district attorneys in mortal jousting combat just like on television. The winners will be deported to England where jousting originated and is still practiced in the House of Commons.




Ah, yes, the high cost of medical care. The solution is so simple – for every five minutes you are kept waiting past your appointment time, you will receive one hundred dollars.



The money is to be paid in cash and due upon leaving of the doctor’s office. Problem solved, and in no time you will have enough money to send your kids to medical school and then be able to receive free medical care for the duration.

The problem of the high cost of gas is not really a problem anymore. Five minutes ago I nationalized all the gas companies in America and its territories. The price of gas and other fuels will be no higher than fifty cents a gallon. Anyone trying to gouge a customer will have to drink the amount of fuel they tried to cheat you for. It’s called an eye for an eye! The offending dealer can go to his doctor and probably make more money on the one hundred dollar refund deal than he would have trying to cheat you in the first place.



Four flavors to pick from.

Oh, crap, my wife tells me that my day of being King is over.




If you missed out on any of the measures I initiated, I am truly sorry. I guess a day just isn’t long enough to make a difference. Well, it sure wasn’t for the lack of trying….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Fifteen Minutes to Live

What would you do if you only had fifteen minutes to live? We all probably would want to see family and friends one last time; that’s a no brainer. I would want to pet our dogs and talk to our parrot one last time too. Of course, praying for forgiveness for any and all hurt I had caused in my life is also high on the list.

Perhaps calling distant relatives and friends would be in order, although I wouldn’t know what to say. After all I haven’t talked to them in years. What communications we have had have been e-mails. Come to think of it, I haven’t written a letter in a coon’s age. I’m not sure I could actually sit down and handwrite a letter to anyone. It would take forever and snail mail would even take longer. Besides, now I have only eleven minutes to live.

I have never been very good at saying goodbye to people in the first place, and in the second place, not that many people would miss me anyway. You could say that I have remained distant from many acquaintances simply because I didn’t want to go through the pain of them passing, let alone them suffering because of my passing. It’s selfish, I suppose, but true nonetheless. I used to be that way with pets too, but now I have suffered many times when our pets passed on and I understand that “This too shall pass.” Before too long we replace Fido with yet another pet. Our parrot, Pickles, will undoubtedly outlive all of us. I wonder if he will miss me. This, by the way, reminds me I have only seven minutes to live.

How do I tell my wife how much I love her? Words fail me with that task. I guess a simple “I love you” will suffice. The same holds true for my twin brother and children. An “I love you” will have to do. The only problem is that our Internet, cell phone and land line are down due to a power failure. There is no way to contact anyone…especially when you only have two minutes to live.

I have never felt so alone and isolated as right this minute. What did people do before the inventions that enabled instant communications? How did someone communicate their love of live and family with only one minute to live? I guess they just couldn’t. That is truly sad.

Wait a minute – the power just came back on! I hear the TV playing and my computer booting up. Thank you, God, we have Internet again! Just in the nick of time I, might add. I only had thirty seconds before I was going to throw the toaster in the bathtub full of water and jump in. Life is not worth living without Internet!

I’m just saying,

Mittster

The 800-Pound Gorilla

The wonderful thing about having a blog that most people don't read is that I get to say almost anything I want. I could say some things that would force Google to boot my booty off-line, but that would be counterproductive.

This blog makes me absolutely no money, so I can't lose what I don't have. I thought about ringing the perimeter of this blog with advertising like the Big Gorilla Blogs, but I hate it every time I accidentally click on one and end up in a mystic ad land that refuses to let my back or shut down icons work. I end up pushing my finger hard and deep into the computer tower off-button just to escape, and then I have to deal with the re-start-up fiasco.

I do use this blog to promote my books, but the nineteen people who read my blogs have already bought the book, so the promotions mostly look on blind eyes. That's OK, though; I do get an occasional lol, lmao and such.

At least now I can start promoting my new book and give my small following something new to look at. Unfortunately, they will get bored quickly and I will have to try to be funny again to keep their attention. That too is OK. Humor is the only paycheck for unknown, newbie authors. I'm not complaining, laughing far outweighs crying, and I don't waste Kleenex.

So what keeps me going down the lonely, newbie author pathway? I'll tell you something - there is no one answer. Passion for writing is the main thing, but ego is another. Most will not admit to the latter. I freely do, because it's my blog and no one reads it. I refuse to write two murder mysteries and let them become obscure in the bowles of Amazon. My ego won't allow it. There is also the matter of fame. Yes, I want fame and fortune and I want them now! There, I've said it and I feel much better for it....

There are a few of the nineteen people who read my blogs that wish it would just fade away. You know who you are! Forget it, this blog will be up and running till the day I go to the big blog in the sky. Unlike writing a novel, which takes months and sometimes years to write, blogs are here and now. It's self-gratification to the extreme. It's like Meg Ryan in her famous scene in When Harry Met Sally.

Oh, crap, now my secrets are out. Ego, Fame and Eroticism are great motivators also....

Write on,

Mittster

Something To Blog About

I received an e-mail from Google informing me that they had donated 20 million dollars to worldwide charities in 2010. They also thanked me and everyone who uses Google for making that donation possible. Personally, 20 million dollars doesn't register on my Richter scale - it only goes to a couple hundred thousand and then rolls over and plays dead.

I have always preferred Google for my search engine, but it wasn't until I was introduced to Google Blogspot that I began to really appreciate the company. It's great that the site is free, but more importantly (unlike most Web freebies), Blogspot is a fantastic and professional looking blog page! You can do everything the paid sites can do and more. Such a deal! There is something in this world that is actually free.

As an author, blogging is a must. Because of my teaching to learn philosophy, reaching out with a blog takes on a new and exciting dimension. I like to share my experiences in the writing world with the newbies who are trying to write, publish, and share their work. With a blog, your writings can truly be seen by billions of people!




Because I have managed to get two books published, I do feel that I can teach others who want to become published authors to avoid the pitfalls I encountered on my journey. Why make costly mistakes along the way. Everything I have written to help folks on my blog is also free. I learned that from Blogspot.

My site has well over 250 past blogs. I admit not all are about being an author, but each and every one is about being a writer. The good, bad and ugly are all there waiting for you to read. Pick out the things that may help you walk through the minefield of becoming a published author and disregard the ones that don't. I do hope you find some of my writing funny because without some humor, your journey will indeed be a long one.




One thing is for sure; while I am trying to teach you from my experiences, I will learn just as much or more than you. It's that teach to learn thing. Once you get published, try teaching what you have learned. The results may surprise you....

Write on,

Mittster

Please, No Weekend Blogs!

What the hell is wrong with me, I can't stop posting blogs seven days a week even if I have to copy a stupid e-mail and call it a blog! Oh, well, they are funny and the laughter is worth the price of reading. I just need to face it once and for all. I’m a geek and proud of it!





1. How Do You catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.




2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.




3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath




4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it.




5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!




6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.




7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.




8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.




9. What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.




10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.




11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.




12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.




13. What lies at the bottom of rhe ocean and twitches?
A Nervous wreck.




14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.




15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.




16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.




17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.




18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.




19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.




20. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.




21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A Bad golfer goes whack, damn!
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack!




22. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!




Now, admit it.... At least one of these made you smile.

Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.