Smile, it becomes you

“If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)




A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . WTF...?)




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)




Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)




Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig? God I love that pig!)”

Write on,

Mittster

More Looney Tunes

Save these for Monday morning - you will need the laughs.



I remember drinking beer through a staw...OK, I don't remember - someone had to tell me the next day.






No comment!









Not necessarily in that order!






This sign is not far from the nation's capitol



This sign is also not far from the nation's capitol



This sign is not far from the next presidential debate






No need to comment



Sage advice



I'm going to use this ploy to sell books



That be me






He looks familiar - I think he used to be my proctologist




Have a great Saturday - I'm going to jump off a bridge now!

Write on,

Mittster

Brain Power

As our bodies start to show age and a multitude of physical systems slowly begin to break down, time marches through our bodies like the Angel of Death swinging his sickle with malice of forethought. He attacks our skin, muscles, hair, eyes and even our unmentionables. Yes, even our desires start to wane. It is like our whole body starts to crumble down around us and, like Humpty Dumpty; we are powerless to stop the fall.




Some can’t stand the thought of decline, so they have tummy tucks, butt tucks, eyelid tucks, arm tucks, breast tucks, face lifts and, in fact, I don’t think there is anything that can’t be tucked, lifted or enlarged. Of course one exception is the hair transplant, which explains why some people look like “The Donald Trump.” But, alas…even after thousands and thousands of dollars spent tucking, plucking, sucking, adding, subtracting, injecting and objecting, Father Time still has his way with us.




There is one horrible exception; our brains watch the destruction of our bodies with relish and great pleasure. The torture is sublime for our all seeing mind’s eye. It’s the payback for all the times we drank too much, smoked too much, partied too much, made love too much (maybe not this one) and generally abused our bodies. The brain never forgets and waits patiently for “The Decline.” It is simply insidious that we have to watch our young, firm bodies start to sag ever lower toward the ground while our brain still dances and kicks its neurons high in the air with laughter and pure delight.




You see the mind holds consciousness and our brain knows that even before we are born. While the doctor slaps our butts after delivery, the brain starts planning revenge for things that haven’t even happened yet! The brain is thinking, I feel future abuse coming soon – isn’t it grand! Since consciousness goes on forever, the brain never really dies. How unfair is that? Our brains make us watch our own demise second after second, minute after minute, day after day, year after year – OK, you get it.




Well, I’ve got news for you Mr. Brain; I have a plan. From this moment on, I am going to wear a full body, black cloak. Yes, it will even cover my head. I have an eight day supply of cloaks so that when they need cleaning I will still have an extra one to wear. Oh, by the way, during showers and cloak cleaning days, I will be wearing a Zorro mask without holes for the eyes. I will not be able to see my body, nor will I touch my body without gloves. There is no way I will know how fast I am aging.




Oh, yes, I know what you are thinking; I will never see my body again.




On this point you are correct, but the beauty of this plan is that you won’t get too see my body ever again either! "What do you think about that Mr. Smarty Brain? What did you say? I will still feel my body shrinking slowly to the floor under the cloak?"




Damn, foiled again! Is there no way to outwit the brain? I think not….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Children really do know it all

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)




2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)




3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)




4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)




5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)




6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, and a woman and
pots and then comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)




7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.. (William, age 7)




8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)




9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)




10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)




11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)




12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)




13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)




14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)




15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

I'm just saying,

Mittster