Old is Gold

I am sick and tired of old people jokes. I happen to be 69 years old and this is my best year yet. Besides, I can't go back and if I could, I would just screw up at a different level.

Here is the real deal. When you reach my age you can do pretty much as you please. I don't worry about my hair or lack of. I don't worry about looks (if you don't like what you see – don’t look. It won’t hurt either of our feelings.) I can actually gaze at young women because I have learned not to gawk and I appreciate beauty without it being dirty. You won’t find me with a woman 30 years my junior because I have too much respect for women. Besides, who wants to go out with their grandfather? Everyone would be embarrassed!




The best thing I ever did was quit drinking. Those days were filled with me thinking women adored drunk guys and wanted us to jump their bones while reeking of booze and not able to find anyone's ass with both hands. Reality dictated that the women would leave in disgust and I would wake up retching in the golden throne promising never to do it again.



Man slut

I believe there is some truth in the saying that getting older is like the aging process of fine wine. The whole process is based on how you store the bottle. It’s the same with humans – if you don’t take care of the container, what is inside turns to vinegar. That’s why some older folks you meet are sour, resentful and spiteful. They are miserable and want everyone around them to be the same. I, for one, refuse to go there. Maybe that is why I still ride Harleys and smile a lot. I want people to be happy and appreciate the things they do have instead of always wishing for the things they think they need and don’t have. Once you learn to be happy with what you have and who you are, the other things don’t seem as important anymore.




I don’t know how many years I have left on this beautiful blue planet, but I do know each and every minute will be enjoyed. For those who think old people suck…go suck an egg. I want to hang out with people who are alive, happy with their lives, love animals, and are willing to help others in times of need.




“I don’t need no stinking sourpusses!”

I’m just saying,

Mittster

I Crush You Flo

Ok, I admit it – I have a crush on the Progressive Insurance lady Flo. This is not easy to admit when you are a married man, but admit it I must. Wifey already suspects something is going on because of my incessant request for a Flo Bobblehead doll




and I turn up the volume on the TV whenever her commercials come on. I especially like the commercials when she is riding Harleys. Man, she can ride with me anytime. She would have to wear the same clothes as in the commercials though, that’s part of the deal. What can I say…I am kind of kinky?




I know if my wife catches me dressing up our Chiuhuahua it will be all over but the crying, but I just can't help myself!




I even drempt that she was a vampire trying to suck my blood. Holy Anne Rice, that was a scary dream. I'm thinking it would almost be worth it as long as she made me one of them and I could hang out with her forever.




I remember when Flo pulled the plug on Flo-bot. I was just wondering if the broken robot was for sale or something. You know, it would be great to have as a memento or something. Not like a London Love Doll, but something?




I did find a picture of Flo out of uniform. I'm sorry, Flo, but it just isn't the same. I have a crush on the Progressive Flo, not the real Flo. Parting in such sweat sorrow....

I'm just saying,

Mittster

Fee-fi-fo-fum

“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” Holy crap, no wonder I was traumatized as a youngster. The bedtime stories read to me by Grandma would scare the devil himself. I would never sleep with my hands or feet hanging over the bed to become food for the monster living underneath. As a matter of fact – I still won’t sleep with any part of my body hanging over the bed.




What about Little Red Riding Hood? The big, nasty bad wolf eats Grandma, then gets in her clothes, jumps in bed and waits for Little Red Riding Hood to show up with a food basket so she too can become a gourmet dinner. This story surely made young girls feel warm and fuzzy.




Let’s not forget Hansel and Gretel. This little ditty has a wicked witch enticing a young girl and boy into a gingerbread house so she can pop them into a boiling pot of water for a tasty human stew. Swell, now we are into cannibalism. I know I wouldn’t eat gingerbread for many years after this story.




Oh, yes, and The Three Little Pigs come to mind. To this day I am not comfortable in any house unless it is made of brick. No way am I becoming pig meat to a gnarly wolf!




Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
Is it any wonder spiders scare the crap out of us?




Alice in Wonderland, now this is a wonderful book Mum used to read to us when we were little tykes. The only problem was that it reminded me of our house and life. All the characters Alice met resembled aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and neighbors who visited us. What a nutty family. I bet they too were read fairy tales when they were young.




Last, but not least are the ghost stories our parents used to tell us on Halloween. The one I will never forget not only scarred me emotionally, but physically too. As Mom came to the end of the very scary story, she swung her arms and hands out and down as she screamed, thus scaring the crap out of us and hitting me in the family jewels all in one fell swoop. Not hard to imagine my shriek of horror and pain. While my two brothers and sisters thought it hilarious, I found the vomiting disgusting and demeaning.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

The Eyes Have It

After writing my first novel, I started using the Internet to promote my book, while writing like a mad hatter to finish the sequel. I became involved with a Web site, Twitter and Facebook. I also starting having book signings anywhere I was welcome and a few places I wasn’t. I would even ask people in stores if they liked murder mysteries. If they did, I was on them like a cheap TV commercial. Much to my surprise, I even sold books at yard sales.

After three years of meeting other newbie authors in person and on the Web, I have come to the realization that we all have three things in common. The first and most important is passion. In my lifetime I have not met a more passionate group of people. It’s palatable in nature and almost like you could cut the passion with a knife. Each and every one of us could talk for hours about our work – not in an egotistical way, but in a passionate way. We absolutely love what we do!

The second is the look in our eyes. I have looked in the eyes of many authors and the result is always the same. There is a fire behind those eyes and they burn bright with intelligence, eagerness, awareness and (of course) passion. Sometimes it can be a little disconcerting because it’s like looking into a mirror and I wonder if my eyes look so intense. I have never been able to see in my eyes what I see in others, but friends have assured me that I have “the look.”

The third thing is universal craziness. Yes, we all must surely be nuts and close to certifiable. Any person who spends every waking moment of every day writing, promoting, facing rejection and ridicule along with praise from some and a stoning from others, must be crazy. With every positive come just as many negatives. Selling your books is like selling vacuum cleaners door to door. We know our work is very good because we put years into writing and promoting it, but that is never enough to become a “best seller.” Frustration is the mother of insanity and sometimes it’s enough to put us in a padded cell.

My hat is off to the hundreds of newbie writers who have the passion and internal fortitude to attempt to write a novel. The journey is fraught with danger, disappointment and rejection; but at the same time, it can be overwhelming with the pride of accomplishment that you have done something not many ever do in their lifetimes. You wrote and published a novel. It is even more exciting if you have written more than one.

What keeps me from the padded cell? I refuse to succumb until I finish my third novel. I keep procrastinating because once it is finished; my wife will surely have me locked away in the loony bin.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Regrets?

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. - W. M. Lewis

This quote was posted by my friend Leslie Menninger on Facebook recently. She is always sharing wonderful quotes daily that instill the best feelings humans can experience. This particular quote struck a chord with me that I just can’t shake. When a subject, event or happening catches my eye and won’t let go, I must write a blog about it. It’s not that I have something monumental to add or that I am able to impart some new and exciting meaning to the quote’s substance. It only means that it struck a chord in my being and I was able to hear harmony in the music.

After reading the quote, I wanted to remember when my life really started. I spent the first fifty-two years of my life living on the edge of reason and sanity. I always wanted to be like someone else who appeared to have all the things I could not acquire. I was never satisfied with any one woman for very long. The amazing part was that these women were so much further along emotionally than me. What drew them toward me I will never understand? Please know that my intentions were always honorable…at least at first.

I did not start drinking until I was twenty-six and believe me I tried to make up for all the years I missed. Drugs were a part of the culture at the time and I tried them, but they never took the place of alcohol. I don’t blame my behavior on booze and drugs. I blame my behavior on the lack of character to walk away from the very things that were causing me to run and hide from reality. I do blame myself for hurting people who loved me and then turning my back to their pain. I now feel their pain more intensely than they ever could. That is my cross to bear, even to my grave.

One fine day in 1990, I came across a book by Dr. Steven Covey called “The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.” Books, and the authors who write them, can be an incredibly positive experience to those who read them. As an author, my sole intent is to have somebody read my work and be captivated and unable to put the darn thing down even long enough to use the restroom. This is how Dr. Covey’s book affected me. Someone else could try and read the book and end up using it for TP. I lived and breathed his book until it was internalized and I started living the principals the book offered. That was the first day of my life.

Some might say I wasted fifty-two years, but that is not the reality of life. The reality is that even though those years, for the most part, were unproductive and sometimes destructive, all the roads I have taken were essential to the place and time I now live in. Had I varied one iota from my path, I would not be married to the most wonderful woman in the world and enjoying the most fulfilling life any person could ask for. The lesson for me is that even though I have deep regrets, I would not change even one moment of my life if offered this very second. This is the wonderful paradox of time and the reason we must always go forward into the future.

Yes, I started my life late, but every year after 1995 has been filled with excitement and wonderment at how beautiful a sober life can be. My existence is the most exciting high I have ever experienced!

Write on,

Mittster

The Wizard of It

It is an interesting word. I love it – I hate it – I ate it – It was ugly – Did you see it? – I got some of it last night – It doesn’t make sense – You get home before you get it! – I got it, did you? – What it is? – It wasn’t me – It seems strange to me – It isn’t enough – It wore its welcome out and so on….

What the hell is it? No, seriously, what is it? I tried to look up the origin of the word it, but all I found is the origin of the "F" word, which explains why we say "fuck it," but this still doesn't explain the word it. Oh, by the way, if you click on the origins of the "F" word you will not be reluctant to use the "F" word anymore. It really isn't a nasty word after all. It simply means, Fornication Under Consent of the King. Just so the prudes don't get mad, I now say Fornication Under Consent of the King, instead of fuck. It takes longer to say it, but passes the prude laws.




OK, let’s forget the word it and continue with the history of Fornication Under Consent of the King. It is much more interesting and the subject makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Crap, hold the presses, my wife is headed this way! Gotta go….




I’m just saying,

Mittster

Bad Habit # 333

I am really trying to not get up at three a.m. anymore. I finished my first two novels, Evil in the Mirror and Day Stalker, and the third one, The Phoenix Code, is on the shelf because I am now working as a consultant for a construction company from Hawaii.

Even though my passion is writing, it was time to refurbish the coffers until I retire yet again and pick up where I left off. My problem is that for two years while writing murder mysteries, I would get up no later than three a.m. and most times earlier. By two p.m. I would be ready to lie down for the day. Well, I can’t do that anymore – The Islands are three hours behind our time. When the team in Hawaii gets geared up for their day, I’m nodding off at my desk!




It’s a good thing I still enjoy working with spreadsheets and calculations or this gig could be the straw that broke the old camel’s back. The truth be known, working for this company is very exciting and I look forward to each day. I did mention to my wife that this will be my last hurrah, and then I will retire from construction for real. That comment was bull poop and I knew it…I will quit after they lay my worn-out carcass to rest.




I am grateful this opportunity came my way while we are suffering from the deepest worldwide recession I have ever seen, to say nothing of the natural disasters that have been plaguing the world right and left. Sometimes it is good to step back and be thankful for what we have, instead of worrying about what we think we should have. I am blessed with a fantastic family, a roof over our heads and food to eat. The rest is just icing on the cake.




In the meanwhile, I was again out of bed at exactly three a.m. with my wife’s parting word ringing in my head, “Idiot!”

She’s just saying,

Mittster

"Newbie Writing Club"

As I worked with my publisher on my first and second novels, it became more evident that the first time, wanna be writers will have a daunting task ahead. I look back at all the wasted time and money I spent trying to self-publish, print, store, distribute and build Websites for two small self-help books (thinking all along I could do it by myself) only to discover it was the wrong approach.




Let’s face it, I got caught up in the Internet hype…Let me show you how to make millions on the Internet! Beware my friends; it’s really just the start of a bad trip down Internet fantasy land. After two years of trial, error and frustration beyond belief, there are really only three simple answers that spell success. Research, research, and more research! I absolutely recommend starting in the public library unless you are very, very Internet savvy. It’s free, simple and won’t empty your wallet. Everything you can buy on line is free in the library! Yes, it is time consuming, but for the budget minded, a perfect solution. The problem with researching on line is that everything has a price tag unless you know where to look and knowing where to look also takes time and can cost a boatload of bucks and a computer full of viruses.




The big question is; can I self-publish my novel without spending money? The answer is basically, NO! The good news is that you can publish with a moderate budget. If you are thinking about using a POD (print on demand) publisher, research is so very important. I researched for many months looking for that perfect combination and finally found it with Wheatmark, Inc. based in Tucson, Arizona. While they were perfect for me, that does not mean they will be perfect for you. Remember; research, research and more research!




For those of you who are serious about writing that first book and joining the “newbie club,” don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you need help finding your way. The only time I charge for advice is if we are on Skype learning how to actually write that first novel. E-mail conversations are for free advice; sometimes I need help too and I don’t hesitate to ask my author friends for their advice via e-mails.




I can tell you one thing for sure. The excitement of seeing your first book on Amazon.com will blow your mind. In fact, so much so that you will need to sit down. Seeing the second book is even more exciting. I actually needed an attitude adjustment because my already large head turned into the Goodyear blimp! My wife deflated my head quickly by reminding me that now I needed to sell the books. Oh, I forgot about that….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Natural Writing Talent

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you! Stay away from self-help books; they only help the pocket book of the authors. Your best bet is Google and the public library. Both are free, which is a good thing.

Since today's blog is about writing a novel, I will get on with it.

1. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time. Most readers in the world are at the ninth grade level. This means your book does not need a genius writing it and in fact, less education can mean a great novel written from the heart and not the mind.

2. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

3. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.

4. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher. I personally recommend Wheatmark, Inc.

5. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

6. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!

7. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.

8. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate; now get cracking writing your book!

9. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in – there are worse ways not to earn a living.

10. Writing can be addictive; don't start unless you really like the high!

Write on,

Mittster

Something To Blog About

I received an e-mail from Google informing me that they had donated 20 million dollars to worldwide charities in 2010. They also thanked me and everyone who uses Google for making that donation possible. Personally, 20 million dollars doesn't register on my Richter scale - it only goes to a couple hundred thousand and then rolls over and plays dead.

I have always preferred Google for my search engine, but it wasn't until I was introduced to Google Blogspot that I began to really appreciate the company. It's great that the site is free, but more importantly (unlike most Web freebies), Blogspot is a fantastic and professional looking blog page! You can do everything the paid sites can do and more. Such a deal! There is something in this world that is actually free.

As an author, blogging is a must. Because of my teaching to learn philosophy, reaching out with a blog takes on a new and exciting dimension. I like to share my experiences in the writing world with the newbies who are trying to write, publish, and share their work. With a blog, your writings can truly be seen by billions of people!




Because I have managed to get two books published, I do feel that I can teach others who want to become published authors to avoid the pitfalls I encountered on my journey. Why make costly mistakes along the way. Everything I have written to help folks on my blog is also free. I learned that from Blogspot.

My site has well over 250 past blogs. I admit not all are about being an author, but each and every one is about being a writer. The good, bad and ugly are all there waiting for you to read. Pick out the things that may help you walk through the minefield of becoming a published author and disregard the ones that don't. I do hope you find some of my writing funny because without some humor, your journey will indeed be a long one.




One thing is for sure; while I am trying to teach you from my experiences, I will learn just as much or more than you. It's that teach to learn thing. Once you get published, try teaching what you have learned. The results may surprise you....

Write on,

Mittster

Please, No Weekend Blogs!

What the hell is wrong with me, I can't stop posting blogs seven days a week even if I have to copy a stupid e-mail and call it a blog! Oh, well, they are funny and the laughter is worth the price of reading. I just need to face it once and for all. I’m a geek and proud of it!





1. How Do You catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.




2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.




3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath




4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it.




5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!




6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.




7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.




8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.




9. What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.




10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.




11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.




12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.




13. What lies at the bottom of rhe ocean and twitches?
A Nervous wreck.




14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.




15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.




16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.




17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.




18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.




19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.




20. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.




21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A Bad golfer goes whack, damn!
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack!




22. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!




Now, admit it.... At least one of these made you smile.

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