Please, No Weekend Blogs!

What the hell is wrong with me, I can't stop posting blogs seven days a week even if I have to copy a stupid e-mail and call it a blog! Oh, well, they are funny and the laughter is worth the price of reading. I just need to face it once and for all. I’m a geek and proud of it!





1. How Do You catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.




2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.




3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath




4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it.




5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!




6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.




7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.




8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.




9. What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.




10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.




11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.




12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.




13. What lies at the bottom of rhe ocean and twitches?
A Nervous wreck.




14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.




15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.




16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.




17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.




18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.




19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.




20. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.




21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A Bad golfer goes whack, damn!
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack!




22. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!




Now, admit it.... At least one of these made you smile.

Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.

Rebate, Rebate!

We deserve a total rebate on our Congress. That’s right, we want every last penny that Congress has wasted in the last fifty years. You would think we should get a rebate for the last hundred years, but, after the calculations, there is only enough money for fifty. It will still make millionaires of every adult male and female in the United States of America.




Yahoo, we are all rich! We wouldn’t have had to implement such drastic measures had Congress given each adult male and female in America the billions of dollars in bailout money that was given to CEOs’ and Wall Street shysters to keep the whole lot of them out of prison. American citizens could have already pulled the economy up by its boot straps and everyone would have jobs and a house to live in. But, no way, the fat cats stayed fat and the middle and lower class took it in the shorts. What else is new?




Well, listen up, my fellow Americans; it’s time to act and act we will. Sedition, you say? Damn right, you plump, thieving, sheep pluckers. There are 300 million of us and only a handful of you and your cronies. Someday soon we are going to rise up and take our government and country back. We are going to start with the presidential election in 2012 and if that doesn’t satisfy us, we are going to start protesting in every street in the good old U.S. of A.







One parting thought for all you lifetime politicians living the good life while the rest of us work our asses to the bone trying to make ends meet paying your fat-cat salaries. History proves time and time again that corrupt governments always fail and that the masses prevail. Chew on that for a while.

Write on,

Mittster

Caylee Anthony

I wanted to do a scathing blog about Casey Anthony, but, let’s face it; I am still in absolute shell shock. Most would argue that Casey’s innocent verdict on all the murder charges was a gross miscarriage of justice, and while I strongly agree, we should all remember that our system is designed to help us not convict an innocent person of capital murder and then put them to death. A guilty person may have been found innocent, but her real justice is yet to come. I wouldn’t want to be in Casey Anthony's shoes for all the money in the world. There is nowhere for her to run, nowhere to hide, and that is how it should be.




As for little Caylee, she is with the Great Spirit that is the soul of our universe. Her pain and suffering is over and she dwells in Peace and Love. We all love Caylee Anthony as one of our own, forever and ever more – rest in peace Little One.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Living the one year minute

I find myself stretching each minute of my life out like a rubber band just to see how long it will last until I reach the next minute. Then I do the same again, and again. Time is indeed pliable and can be molded into sublime slowness or speeded up like a mind boggling fast forward movie.

When I was young, I couldn’t wait for the next minute to arrive and I would pace, back and forth, like a wild banshee wishing for the day to end so I could then wish for the night to end so I could start a new day. No wonder our lives seem to travel at the speed of light until we wake up one day and wonder where it all went.

I am learning the art of enjoying each and every second of my life and the only way to do that is by eliminating any and all aggravation and dissention. I know, easier said than done, but it can be done in stages. Start with understanding that getting riled up wastes precious time. It will then be easier to start walking away from the complainers, hate mongers and professional time wasters. You know who they are and, unfortunately, they all need an audience and will do almost anything to keep you in front of their talking heads.

Then there are family time wasters, and you can’t always just walk away from family – or can you? Of course you can…being in your “golden years” has some perks. One perk is that you are expected to be senile. Turn and shuffle away while getting back into your year-long minute. No one will be the wiser.

Another huge time waster is the ringing telephone. We are programmed to pick up no matter what it interrupts. Call identification helps tremendously, but if it is someone you know or family, we stumble all over ourselves reaching for the answer button even if it interrupts a truly golden minute of life. The answer to this dilemma is an answering machine. You can relax and find out just how important the call really is. Nine times out of ten you can return the call later after you enjoy your golden minute hour.

I am a man who loves to shop. I can stretch minutes into glorious hours shopping. No matter the store, I can shop WallyWorld, Harley stores, hardware stores or even grocery stores with wild abandon. They are all visual delights that stretch minutes into years in less than an hour. It may amount to wonderful daydreaming while awake, but who cares – no one knows what’s real anyway. “Perception is all there is, there is no reality!”

Write on,

Mittster

Arizona Monsoon

Down through history, Native Americans have prayed and danced for the monsoon to sweep over Arizona and quench its summer thirst. I too have been praying for the very same thing. I am sure I was not alone; all Arizonians were praying for the sound of thunder that announces the rainy season.




We have been fighting huge fires that have burned homes and businesses and displaced thousands of families, to say nothing of the destruction of thousands of acres of forest and its wild inhabitants. As I listen to the thunder this morning, I give thanks to the Great Spirit for blessing us with rain, even though the storms have caused some damage, as they do occasionally – the benefits far outweigh the negatives.




Surely the rain is welcomed by the hundreds of men and women who have been battling raging fires all over our state. Even though the battle is not over, Mother Nature has agreed to help our brave and exhausted firefighters.




Thank you, Mother Earth, for all your blessings….




I’m just saying,

Mittster